Rehearsing pain, rehearsing pleasure

photo: Bike to work by e.wilder


Last week a car door gave me a lesson in NLP. The cyclists among my readers will already be sighing...

It was Tuesday morning, I was pumping up a steep hill working desperately to get my daughter Jyoti to school on time. Then with a timing I could not avoid a man in a smart car opened his door. Pieces of bike cracked off as we skidded and fell to the left.

My body and the wrong part of my training took over. I had hardly hit the ground and I was up again. There were no cars or buses about to crush us and my daughter seemed unhurt. In front of me was a an open car door inside of which was the target of 15 years of bottled cycle rage. My right fist felt like it could smash metal, and there was an open line between it and the scared face of the driver. My lungs were supplying plenty of volume to a mix of obscenity, incrimination and threat. The driver shrank in his seat.

I do not know how long I stood there, perhaps two or three seconds, but it felt a long time.

A better part of my training took over. I saw fear and regret on the driver's face. I was aware of passer's by coming to help, my daughter was crying. I turned to lift her off her bike seat and comfort her.

Jyoti was ok, my bike was mostly ok. The passer's by brought the pieces of bike that had flown off on impact. The driver, upset, went to hug my daughter as I held her. I let him.

Jyoti told me she was fine to get back on the bike. We even managed to get to school on time. As we pedaled off I saw that the driver was having trouble shutting his car door.

Later as I thought about what happened I felt a little ashamed. Yes I looked behind and saw my daughter was Ok, but I tended to my rage before I tended to her well being.

I understand how I did that. I have been an urban cyclist almost daily for since the early 1990's. Many times I have nearly been killed and injured by the thoughtlessness of people piloting 1000 kg steel clad fists through the streets. Most of the time it was just thoughtlessness, lapses of awareness, moments of carelessness. Occasionally it has been malicious, people deliberately cutting close, swerving and aiming for me.

Insulated in their steel fist most drivers do not think of what is like to be on a flimsy wheeled frame powered by lungs and thighs, seeking the safest route between unfeeling obstacles.

When some coddled driver, in their impatience and thoughtlessness nearly kills you, it is hard not to take it personally. As a result I built up layers of self justification.

I had created a scenario where at last I would be able to express my righteous anger....

...Not nearly hit this time, but hit. The driver would be out of their armored casing, they would have already struck the first blow, and at last I would be able to strike some back. Self defense, clearly, little me armed only with my hands (elbows, knees, head and possibly a D-lock), against 1000kg fist man. Every blow would come straight from my belly, a whole body communication saying: PAY ATTENTION TO CYCLISTS

Variations include disarming my attacker by throwing their car keys down the nearest drain.

That is what I had been rehearsing mentally. It is nearly what I did. the pained shock on the driver's face is what stopped me. If he had been aggressive he probably would have been toast.

The positive intention in my hitting back scenario clear. But is hitting people the best way to get the message across - pay attention, drive safely, respect the fragile, fleshy two wheelers?

Every time I got a little satisfaction from imagining demolishing a dangerous car I was making it a little more likely to happen. Rehearsing this way I was loosing flexibility in getting my real message across, and putting myself in a legally dangerous position. I was also filling my body with stress hormones and missing out on what is actually happening and important (like bad driving), and what I might take pleasure in, people, weather, light.

So I am going to change my mental rehearsal with cycling. Change it from some fixed scenario, to remembering what I consider important. I will rehearse the qualities that allow me to say 'we are all human, let's look out for each other, and maybe even have some fun.' I will rehearse awareness in the place of rage. This is something my life depends on, literally. Fortunately, I am well trained to do this.

It is more than just cycling. I am also looking out for all the other unhelpful scenarios I am rehearsing. Lots of relationship arguments are based on this kind of imagined scenarios 'if she says this I am going to lose it...'

How many other stupid situations will I be able to avoid and turn into possibilities for pleasure? That is all very well for me, what about you?

Injunction scans

photo: civic injunction by jbartok



I believe it was Timothy Gallwey, the father of executive coaching who originally said

'performance equals potential minus interference.'

He first used this idea in a sporting context, especially with reference to athlete's doubts, distractions and negative internal dialogue.

But for the purpose of this article I want to apply this principle not so much to individual performances, but to the larger scope of what people decide to perform in.

People usually perform the best when they have a maximum of enthusiasm. They also seem more dynamic, attractive and convincing to others when they are enthusiastic. Naturally I can think of exceptions to this. Enthusiasm is not a substitute for skill. But it often precedes and leads to skill.

Children often show great capacity for enthusiasm. At least when they are left to play. Adults often show less enthusiasm. Somehow in the civilizing process education can damp down enthusiasm.

Let me give a personal example from that messy ground between being a child and an adult.

As a teenager my dream was to go to Taiwan and study Chinese martial arts as my Taiji teacher had done. My parents did not really understand why this was so important to me. They encouraged me to go to University and get a degree. Eventually I gave in, partly pushed by my parents, and partly lured by tales of student parties - something I could also feel enthusiasm for.

So I spent three years studying Environmental Biology, but my heart was not completely in the work. Biology fascinates me, whispering to me about the miracle of our interconnected lives. Despite this I did not appreciate what an amazing privilege it is to be able to choose to study a subject like that. At the time University seemed like an extension of school, but with beer, girls and scuba diving.

So after I graduated it was not long before I left England and found myself on wandering the streets of Taipei, knocking on doors and looking for teachers.

That's how I first met Luo De Xiu in 1991. He impressed me not just with his fluid power and skill, but also by his infectious enthusiasm for the arts he practiced. Sixteen years later he still lights up like a child when talking martial arts. A living example of how skill and enthusiasm go hand in hand.

Excuse me, I am digressing a little. My point is that I had been temporarily deflected from what I felt truly enthusiastic about. Once I got back into the groove of what was important to me, my life was felt magical and my energy soared, not just when I was in Taiwan, but when I was on my way too. I hope that you have had some experiences, made some choices that had this effect on you too.

Now my question is what interferes with us living more of our lives this way? What stops us going from what we really want?

I describe one kind of dampener as injunctions. These are rules, that come from different sources that say how we should and should not live. They can be subtle, or brutal. We often internalize them, so that we forget how they limit or potential options. They guide our lives, invisible and unquestioned. People live without enthusiasm for what they do, because they are unable to even see anymore what they are truly enthusiastic for.

So in the story above my parents injunction was something like 'good boys get degrees.' That one is fairly benign, and there is a pretty clear positive intention and assumption behind it - a good education leads to a good living.

But there are plenty of other injunctions. Often they apply to getting what we want.

My sister in law told me that in the school she went to she was discouraged to ask for things directly. If you wanted someone the salt you were expected to ask someone 'Would you like some salt?' to which they were expected to reply 'No, would you like some salt?'

Some typical injunctions include

• It is selfish/rude/arrogant/greedy to ask for what you want
• If you ask for something you will not get it
• Saying what you want gives other people power over you
• Good boys/girls do not do that
• It is your duty to sacrifice
• What makes you think you deserve...
• People will be jealous if I get what I want
• I will probably just be disappointed
  

I could go on, and on, and on...

Of course all of these injunction have some kind of positive intention. They are taught as a way of maintaining the structure of societies and families.

I believe that once we have the ability to to think reasonably, rationally and ethically then they are up for questioning. Society is changing with technology. People have higher levels of education than ever before, and given more choices I believe that people will tend to act more generously towards one another. A lot of the old injunctions simply do not apply anymore, and they certainly deserve the scrutiny of intelligent mature people.

So if you want to liberate some extra energy, widen your options, and charge up your enthusiasm then give yourself an injunction scan. Perhaps some of the ones above seem familiar to you. You can probably find others.

To find them ask yourself what you should or should not do. Think of the people around you in your culture, what are the rules they live by implicitly? Have you taken them on too? Contrast these with the rues of other cultures you may know, and what do you learn? Do the injunctions stand up in the light of awareness? What are their positive intentions, and can you find other ways of fulfilling them?

The more you clear your internal landscape of weeds like this, the easier it will be to see clearly what is important to you, to what you really want, hear it calling and feel the pull of it into the pleasure of bringing more and more of your gifts to the world.

And what do you really want?