The next question is how do you talk about NLP at dinner parties without attracting flak or putting people on the defensive. The problem here is that NLP is a little too good. What do I mean? Well NLP promises the ability to improve just about anything. That covers relationships, communication, performance, learning, sex and any other area you think about applying it to.
However, for many people suggesting that they can improve something in their life implies that they are not good enough. It’s a slap in the face that can put people subtly on the defensive, or actively on the attack depending on their character.
Recently an intelligent French student of ours was telling us how his friends have noticed that he is different in some way, and they are intrigued. But they are also wary because NLP comes from outside their Cartesian frame of reference. They ask questions, but distrust the answers, especially when he talks about what NLP could do for them.
So in the conversation we thought a different way of presenting NLP would be helpful in France. It has some parallels with those people who ask the doctor about a problem their friend has.
So instead of saying ‘NLP can improve your ….., and make you happier, healthier etc’ it makes more sense to recount personal experience of how NLP has been beneficial from a 1st person perspective ‘Since I have started NLP I have…’
You can also use third person stories ‘There was a person on the course who…’
That way the listener is less likely to get defensive and argumentative. Less likely because if you present something sufficiently alien to their model of the world, they may tell you what you saw and experienced never happened.
Self referentially, I could talk about how NLP helped me make the transition from a martial arts instructor, to a trainer and coach. It was something that I had struggled with because I didn’t recognise where I was caught. I identified myself so much with kung fu identity that I hardly noticed when the way I presented myself lead to people asking me for martial arts classes rather than NLP coaching. Once I made the connection, I asked a coach to lead me through a technique. Then the change happened quickly and easily.
A lot of people do get caught in transitions. Either they are not sure how to take the first step, or find themselves frozen between different ways of functioning. Most people I know have dreams that they aren’t living, or taking steps to put into place.
We often see people in our trainings who are unsatisfied by their work. Somehow their job doesn’t match their values, the way they see themselves, or put themselves in a position to really offer their gifts to the world. When we see that one of two things usually happen. We have seen some of them decide to leave their job, which is probably a good thing even if seems tough in the short term. Effectively they were only half present at work – it’s hard to be passionate about what you don’t believe in.
We also have stories of others who begin to apply their knowledge to change their working environment. That way they not only apply themselves more enthusiastically at work, they also begin to create the kind of working culture where their colleagues can be more present, more passionate and more effective.
Some people love to help others, without necessarily wanting to become a professional helper. In which case, I could talk about how some years ago I’d spend part of the summer teaching Taiji at a Yoga centre in Greece. One of my my activities in between sessions of Yoga, freediving and teaching was finding out who had a phobia of water and dealing with it. Since I love swimming it was particularly satisfying to watch them come back from the beach exhilarated at the aqueous world that was opening to them.
For people motivated by the desire to succeed in more conventional terms we have reams of stories of how people have rigorously applied NLP in different areas. I can think of several students who used NLP techniques to prepare for presentations, then winning competitions or receiving standing ovations. Others have adapted their techniques and created tools that they use that improve their customer’s satisfaction and loyalty.
So rather than offering something frontally, the idea is more like two tuning forks resonating together. Pick something that you have an intuition might appeal to the listener – and use your NLP skills to refine the precision. Then as you tell the story your listener may well be thinking ‘That’s something I could do with changing too.’
It's also a useful exercise to list or learn from sucesses, whether your own or other people's, whether in NLP or in other fields. It can help to keep grounded in an optimistic state, and also provieds examples, anecdotes and stories that can help spread those states to other people.
So I wonder what have you seen working (recently)? Where else could you use some of that, and who else could benefit from something similar?
