Two moments to change your life

photo: in between drinks by paoliina



Have you ever found yourself in a situation, repeating some behaviour that you do not like? It could be something like acting shy, hesitating, getting angry, hopelessness, turning on the TV, reaching for junk food...The list could be endless, and is most likely uniquely personal.

Even if you do not have anything you actively dislike,you may find something that you would like to improve.

Now once you get into the situation, and the behaviour that you do not like many people find that there is a certain momentum, or unconsciousness to it. Either it becomes hard to change in the moment, or people do not realise that there is actually a choice to be made.

So what are the two moments where you can change your life? There is in between, and there is during. As I mentioned above, during is not easy. The moment slips by, and is gone, leaving you cursing, stamping your feet and saying 'Oh no, not again!', or whatever it is that you do and say after whatever it is you did or didn't do or say.

But during is possible, especially if you do some work in between. In fact many NLP techniques are designed for in between - that is after the last situation and before the next one.

What I'd like to introduce as an in between practise is something that can easily slip in during. Let us have a look at what happens during. You find yourself in a state that is not appropriate to the situation, and there is little sense of choice about it in the moment.

So the in between practise is to cultivate the ability recognise and break state, then to choose a new more appropriate one.

If you are looking for a way to change your behaviour then you probably are already aware enough to recognise the unwanted state, sometimes at least. So I will not focus there. I will mention that one of the roles of meditation is to have discernment in the recognition and tracking of states.

Now I'd rather concentrate on breaking from one state and moving into the next.

There are many ways to break state. Doing something different with your posture is one. Deliberately changing internal dialogue is another. Going from associated to a meta position (looking at yourself as if from the outside) is another. If you practise all of these in between, so that you can do them more easily during.

So you can practise giving yourself a clear command to stop!, or change!, while changing your posture or gesturing and taking a step to position where you could see yourself in the unresourceful state, as if from the outside.

From here you can begin to choose a new state. Now what state would be a good state to choose from? For now I will recommend curiosity, and I will talk about it later. I hold a lot of store by curiosity - and will probably write more about its virtues in another post, along with the components of good decision making states.

With curiosity then you can really ask 'What do I want here?' with the possibility of getting an original, and useful answer.

Once you have an answer you can begin to take it on. You can go back into memories of when you had the quality or behaviour that you want. If you have no memories you can think of someone else who could be that way, or imagine as if you could be that way. Use your imagination until it changes your posture (or change your posture directly), your voice tone, and your state altogether.

Then get on with things in your new state - et voila you have changed your life!

Like any new skill or technique it is often helpful to start by rehearsing in a clear, even exaggerated fashion. Unless your are training yourself to stop being self-conscious, or embarrassed in public you may choose to do this phase in private.

As you practise this in between, it will become increasingly reflexive to interrupt and choose more resourceful states. With further practise the whole process of breaking state, choosing a new one and taking it on becomes smoother and more discrete. It need only take a moment or two.

Our states can change very quickly. Why not change them in a direction of your choosing?