a generous frame

photo: framed world by youngdoo


The frame with which you approach a situation will make a big difference to what you do and what happens. Here is another martial arts example.

There was once a martial artist who worked in the military. He trained hard, and was tough. he would also get into lots of fights. His frame in any situation was 'Am I the toughest person here?'.

This is a common attitude for people who have a skill that they are proud of.

I really appreciated this when chatting with a musician. I described an old internal dialogue of mine which went something like this 'Well he may be smarter/more charming/richer than me, but I could kick his ass in a fight!' He smiled as he listened and replied 'You know I do exactly the same thing, except I do not tell myself I can fight better, I tell myself I can play the trombone better.'

So when this martial artist walked into a bar he would eye up anyone he thought might pose some kind of threat in a fight. Not surprisingly many of these people were similar to him. Human animals being exquisitely tuned to non-verbal signals - especially those that suggest danger. The people he eyed up would perceive his presence as a threat. His attitude told them he was planning a fight, and they were the kind of people who were more than willing to oblige..

So there would be a fight, and someone would get hurt.

Many martial artists have a great capacity for re-framing fighting injuries as learning experiences by the way. They also use them as justification for training harder, being sneakier, more ruthless and hitting first so as to avoid further injuries (you can learn from someone else's injuries too).

One day this martial artist met a teacher who would change his life. The teacher gave him a different frame for his martial skills. Instead of being caught in the constant stress of 'Am I the toughest fighter here?' he offered him an alternative that meant that he did not have to prove and test himself at every occasion.

That frame is 'Everyone in this room is a little safer because I am here.' Now his martial arts training is about contribution, rather than survival.

So it is interesting to think what kind of frame you put on different situations. when the frame is around proving yourself, not making mistakes, maintaining distance,or not looking stupid then there is a good chance that you are in for a hard time.

Change the frame to how can I contribute, or how can I learn, or how can I have fun, then both the perception of the situation and your actions are likely to lead to a very different result.

Sometimes making a change is as easy as recognizing a destructive frame, and putting something more pleasurable in its place.

What are your favourite destructive frames? What would you like to change them with?